temperedinpride

[Somehow doesn't look surprised? ]

Oh? Are you required to do anything? How do you feel about it?

[At least act like you didn't know???]

I...don't know. I have mostly been in shock, frankly. But yes, I do have to do something even if that is acting as if it never happened.

[Nah. Besides he won't lie to Vergil like that.]

Is it so shocking?

Though I suppose yes, that is one thing you can do about it, if you do not wish things to change.

How is it not shocking? Maybe to someone like you, who must be used to hearing such things.

What part of me is used to being confessed to?

[He waves a hand to dismiss that though.]

We are talking about you. What do you want, Vergil? How do you feel about him? Honestly, sincerely.

I am never quite sure how I feel about him, I could hate and love him in equal parts. I don't know if I am offended or flattered.

Why is that? All of it.

Because he is "me" enough that I can't stand seeing myself in him. Or he will use "I know how you think" to push me or try to demand something he isn't entitled to. And if he isn't being entitled then it's self-depreciating and assuming I am full of contempt for him.

But even if I did despise him so much, I couldn't help wanting to protect him or having some sympathy for other things we share. Even some of those things that can make me hate him enough to want to kill him. When we are getting along, there's hardly anything I would like to do better. ...And I can't forget he tried to help me when I first arrived.

You are inextricably linked to him, as complex as that is.

[He runs his fingers through Vergil's hair.]

How did it feel when he told you?

As I said, shocked. Trying to make sense of it and not act on some cruel impulse.

Hm, did you want to hurt him for loving you?

...Something like that. I do not always have a charitable view of others' vulnerability, disgust at best, the desire to harm them at worst. Not nearly so consistent or extreme as I may have been once, but it is there. He tends to bring it out more than usual.

Perhaps a bit of self-punishment with that sadism? For him of all people to dare see you and think softly of you, how could you not recoil? Wouldn't that mean part of you might forgive yourself? When even you don't feel as if you could, here he is loving you.

Something like that?

...I suppose that might be part of it.

You can tell me if I am off.

What does it seem like to you? Thinking about your impulses and feelings. Where do they come from?

No, that...sounds about right.

At times I hate it simply because I can't understand it, at others that I don't wish to be reminded of similar vulnerabilities of my own. Most of the time it is only a general distaste for any perceived weakness. I don't see helplessness and have some protective instinct for it, it only makes me want it out of my sight, or to destroy it now rather than delay the inevitable. And I hate being around after games, when everyone is feeling sorry for themselves and I can't find any sympathy for them.

...Naturally with Raven it tends to be the similarity.

[He runs his hand up and down Vergil's back in a petting motion as he listens.]

Yet when I cry you hold me. Care for me. And I've seen you extend such gentleness to others you love. I do understand you don't extend that to those who haven't earned your affections, and yet....

Whether or not you return his feelings you do care for Raven. Is seeing yourself in him too much to face his vulnerability? Or do you not want him to see yours? Or some tangle of the two?

[He nods.]

I don't mean that I can't feel sympathy at all, nor do I have such thoughts when it is someone I care for. I would never look at someone like Five with that disgust. But I suppose I have some difficulty thinking of anyone I have no stake in as anything but set dressing. That is more or less the reason I was fighting with Kaguya, after all.

Raven should benefit from that, but - well yes. Some combination of both. He is simply more complicated.

Mm. That is understandable.

What do you want, then? I doubt he expects reciprocation, but I imagine you believe he deserves honesty, whatever you find your feelings to be.

[He lifts his free hand to stroke Vergil's cheek.]

And if it is of use to you, this is at least one instance my jealousy would not be all consuming. I already accept how he is part of your life. Precious to you despite complications, part of you in ways no one else could be, yet separate, his own entity.

Hah, that would be an important point. I already think it would be unfair to anyone else to never be able to hold a candle to you. They would have to know that to temper expectations, and yet it seems pointless and even cruel then to waste their time.

He is precious to me, I suppose it would be easy to see him that way then. On the other hand I may always resent him just as much. That isn't exactly fair either.

Hm.

[He takes Vergil's chin in his fingers. Tilts his face down so he can look at him.]

You can ask him what he wants of you. What he might expect and desire. And tell him what you can give in turn.

It took quite a while for you to earn my heart entirely, yet I do not think I ever gave you a false idea of what to expect of me. Perhaps that was painful in many ways, but did you ever consider it not worthwhile? Even when it seemed to be only friendship you would ever have of me?

Of course it is fine if you did. But Raven, like you, can decide what he considers worthwhile, if you feel up to engaging with this. If you can offer no more than the love you already bear him, but with more intimacy, maybe that is enough for him, and maybe not.

What matters more is how you feel. If you wish to explore something more, or if you would feel unsatisfied with that, or with being unable to offer another the love you give me, those are the only things to worry about in your decision of how to approach this.

Those who belong to you, belong to you regardless of thier state as lovers, friends, or family.

It took quite some time even to realise I might be wanting more. I suppose it was painful, even before coming to that realisation, but no, never not worthwhile...I would be glad just to be with you at all. Even if you were only placating me with intimacy forever more.

...He did say something to that effect as well. Just as he has assured me he expects nothing. But I think I will end up avoiding him if I don't say anything to him about it one way or another.

Have I ever placated you with intimacy?

Mm. I don't think it would suit you to avoid this, no.

You need not make a decision this instant, but I will listen to your thoughts on it.

...When you were talking about wanting to give me romance, "because I deserve to experience it and you would like to be the one to provide it", that felt like being placated. Intending to pass me off to someone else, too, it made everything so far seem that way to me.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject